I try really hard to stay positive and upbeat here in this space. I mean, this is a place where I want to motivate people. But at the same time, sometimes I’ve got to delve right into it. Into the dirty. Into the nitty gritty. Into the taboo. And the embarrassing stuff. Into the things no one wants to talk about. This is me, and this is my story. Maybe it will help someone feel not so alone.
Do you know anyone who suffers depression? If you do, you know what their days look like. Or maybe you’ve experienced it first-hand.
This is what my depressed days look like.
It’s starts with a little spousal argument, and although it’s something that could be resolved, my depressed-self just doesn’t know how some days. So instead, I shut down, and I lay on the couch. And then of course, as soon as I’m in the state of feeling down, I start feeling sad about the baby I lost just six weeks ago. And that pushes me farther. So I just lay there. The next day, after getting only hours of sleep, I call into work because I’m afraid that being there is only going to push me farther into depression. And then the guilt of not going to work pushes me even deeper. So I just lay there. And then I find that today is National “Lost Your Baby Day”. And I’m pushed even farther. And I lay there even longer.
Responsibilities get pushed away. Life gets sucked out of me, and sometimes I don’t know how to bring it back. I try to go do things that may shine some light, but all I really want to do is just lay there.
I do have days like this. I’d like to say that they don’t happen all that often, but the truth of the matter is that they do. My son is with his dad every other week and I feel that as soon as he leaves, I can finally take off my “strong mama” hat and just collapse. So that is what has happened this week. He left Monday morning, and I have collapsed into this “comfortable” depressed state. A state that my wife doesn’t know how to handle. A state that I don’t know how to handle. A state that takes over my life and my well-being.
I’m not sure how to get out of it. I probably need to talk to someone. But instead, I just make muffins. Muffins make it all better, right? I’m totally kidding. I’m not talking about emotional eating here. But sometimes just getting in the kitchen and creating something can be comforting…
And then I go lay back on the couch.
3 cups quick-cooking oats
2 1/2 cups whole wheat flour
1 cup brown sugar, packed
2 teaspoons baking power
1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
2 teaspoons cinnamon
1 teaspoon salt
2 cups unsweetened applesauce
1 cup fat-free milk
1/3 cup coconut oil, in liquid form
2 egg whites
1 apple, peeled, cored, and diced (I used golden delicious)
- Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.
- In a large bowl, combine the oats, flour, brown sugar, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, and salt.
- In another bowl, combine the applesauce, milk, coconut oil, and egg whites. Stir this mixture into the dry ingredients. Combine until just moistened. Gently fold the diced apples into mixture.
- Fill muffin cups (or muffin tin sprayed with non-stick spray) 3/4 full.
- Bake for 16-18 minutes, or until toothpick comes out clean. Cool on a cooling rack.
adapted from Taste of Home